


Room to breathe

by peachyujae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Jaehyun speaks too much, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachyujae/pseuds/peachyujae
Summary: Jaehyun feels Yuta slipping through his fingers, and he loves him so much that he lets him go. Will Yuta let Jaehyun go too?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 13
Kudos: 83





	Room to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you are having a great day even with this world catastrophe, wash your hands and take care of everyone around you.
> 
> Here I am, with another Yujae fic, I don't even know what this is lol Sorry for any mistakes, enjoy (:

His fingers run over Yuta’s clothes hanging right next to his own, considering the possibility of taking one of Yuta’s hoodies and hide it between his belongings. Jaehyun shakes his head, discarding the idea immediately. The purpose of what he is doing is to let go of Yuta, he doesn’t need the other’s scent clinging onto him every minute of the day, not now.

Jaehyun closes his eyes when he hears Yuta entering the house and his soft footsteps getting closer and closer. He reminds himself that he has to be strong when facing Yuta. Leaving him without and explanation wasn’t an option; it is the easiest way, yes, but he needs to tell Yuta the reason why. Jaehyun needs the other to know it is not what he wants but it is what they both need at the moment. 

"Jae, what are you doing?" Yuta asks as he watches Jaehyun packing all his clothes in a suitcase. Fear takes all over his body as he sees a few boxes already packed as well.

"I'm going back to Korea."

Yuta moves closer and grabs the other's wrist to stop him, his heart beating faster than ever. "Wha- why? What’s wrong?"

Jaehyun turns to face Yuta, his eyes are red and glossy with unshed tears. "Do you love me?" 

"I do, yes. Why would-"

"Are you still in love with me?"

Yuta is taken aback by the question because it wasn’t something he expected Jaehyun would ask. Yuta doesn’t know what to answer and he never thought he would doubt himself this much. He gulps nervously as his eyes fill with tears, mirroring Jaehyun's expression. 

"See? You can't even reply." Jaehyun chuckles sadly. 

That was the answer Jaehyun knew he would get, none. He asked himself how it would feel when Yuta would stay quiet at that question, and it hurts so much more than what he knew it would. 

Even though Jaehyun had been thinking about this a lot for the past few days, wondering what Yuta would do and how it will affect them to break up, he didn’t think it would hurt this much, and it’s only the beginning. Jaehyun is still hopelessly in love with Yuta. That's the reason he is leaving, because he wants Yuta to be happy, and he knows the other hasn't been happy for a while now. And as honest as Yuta is, he wouldn't dare to break Jaehyun's heart, although he already has, but not on purpose, of course.

"Wait, I'm-" Yuta starts, but nothing else comes out of his mouth.

"Yuta," Jaehyun lifts his hands to his face to wipe away the tears that can't seem to stop flowing. "I know you are not in love with me anymore, I feel it."

"That’s not true.”

“You act weird around me, you avoid me. What am I supposed to think?”

“I'm trying, I- I am but I d- don't know what’s wrong with me."

Jaehyun knows Yuta is trying; he knows all the efforts he makes every day and the way he forces himself to be how they used to be. Jaehyun can’t take it anymore.

"Look, I'm just going to leave, okay?" Jaehyun cups Yuta's face in his hands, thumbs caressing his cheekbones softly like he always does. "I don't want to be the reason you are unhappy."

Yuta cries out. "You don't make me unhappy."

"But I don't make you happy either." Jaehyun whispers, shrugging.

Yuta falls forward into Jaehyun's chest, who now holds him tightly against his body, trying to remember how it feels to have him in his arms. Jaehyun is gonna miss this so much, the comfort it brings to him to have Yuta like this, the way his heart beats erratically at the mere contact of their skin. Yeah, Jaehyun is going to miss Yuta. 

"I'm sorry. Everything is getting rough on me after the accident." Yuta hugs Jaehyun by the waist.

"I know, I've been there with you." Jaehyun sighs.

Yuta is a very well recognized football player; back in the day, clubs wanted him from everywhere but the Japanese man didn't want to move country to country all the time because he and Jaehyun already had a life based in Japan, a life they loved and cherished. And no matter how many times Jaehyun said he didn't mind where they were as long as they were together, Yuta refused to leave, because he knew Jaehyun liked being in Japan, and he had made a lot of friends here. So starting again somewhere else was not something Yuta wanted to put Jaehyun through.

After having an ugly surgery on the knee two years ago and not being able to play anymore, Yuta started to change, distance himself from everyone, even from Jaehyun. He didn't know what to do with his life; football was all he ever knew. There were only two things Yuta did well in his entire life, according to him, becoming a football player and asking Jaehyun out. That's it, that was his whole life, his only source of happiness.

Yuta clings onto Jaehyun a bit more before pulling away, he was drowning in guilt. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not," Yuta shakes his head, frowning. Sometimes he hates how kind Jaehyun is, how soft-spoken he is even when they are fighting, Yuta wishes Jaehyun would yell at him right now, hate him even. It would be easier that way. "I'm hurting you! I- we spent the last ten years building our lives together. How- how can this be okay when I'm hurting the only person I could ever possibly love?" He starts sobbing at the sudden realization that he is destroying the only good thing he has left, is overwhelming and terrifying. The thought of not having Jaehyun anymore makes him scared.

Jaehyun has to restrain himself from reaching out and take Yuta back into his arms and reassure him that everything is going to be okay. He needs to take care of himself first, because he knows if he doesn't, he will end up even more hurt than he already is. So Jaehyun doesn't mind being selfish for once. Only time will tell if they are made for each other or not.

"We were so young when we got together, do you remember? A fifteen year old Jaehyun that realized he was gay because he couldn't stop smiling every time his Yuta hyung stepped into the room and his heart would burst out of his chest. Do you remember how all our friends said I was whipped because I laughed at your lames jokes that weren't funny at all? That we would end up married with three kids?" Jaehyun smiles as he recalls the time when he noticed he liked Yuta and wanted to be more than friends. "Do you remember when you asked me out on a date because that one guy was into me and you hated the thought of me being with someone else?" 

Yuta squeezes his eyes shut. Of course, he remembers, every little detail of their relationship is imprinted in his heart and mind. He doesn't understand why Jaehyun is bringing this up right at this moment, and he is going to ask him to stop because it’s too painful. But Jaehyun keeps on talking even before he gets the chance to do so.

"Do you remember our first time, how scared we were? Or when we decided to tell our parents we were gay and in love with each other? We were ready to run away if it was necessary, we had it all planned out." Jaehyun chuckles as he wipes more tears away, not believing his story with Yuta is about to end this way. It was supposed to be forever. 

"And do you remember all those times when we struggled with our careers? You being a football player and me a singer; at the beginning, we tried every possible combination to see each other at least fifteen minutes a day and have lunch and some kisses, and then I would get to our apartment where you would wait for me to shower together because we missed each other like crazy and would take advantage of every little second we could get."

"Jae, where are you trying to get at with all of this?" Yuta's bottom lip quivers as he tries to calm his breathing, but it's too difficult when the love of his life is standing in front of him with the most broken look he has ever seen, bringing back parts of their history.

The younger continues, ignoring Yuta’s question. He just needs to get all these things out of his chest. Have a closure, if this is the last time he is going to see Yuta, Jaehyun needs closure.

"And what about when we moved here, to Japan? You didn't want to accept the club’s offer because you didn't want to leave me. We had a huge fight, I remember, I was mad at you for being dumb and reject what would later be the best opportunity you could ever have. So I said I would come with you, that I could make my career work from here and you kissed me and promised to always be there for me and take care of me, and you did." Jaehyun doesn't know how he is still standing and reliving all these moments that will haunt him forever. As he says word after word, Jaehyun realizes he doesn’t regret anything he did for and with Yuta. And if he could turn back time, he’d do it all the same. "Do you- do you remember when we broke up a day before our seven-year anniversary because I thought you were cheating on me, and it turned out the guy was the one you hired to make our couple rings?"

Yuta’s smile is big, sincere, his fingertips running over the smooth white gold band adorning his finger. "I wanted them to be perfect since we couldn't get married, with our names engraved flawlessly, that's why I was constantly meeting up with him."

"I know," Jaehyun breathes out. "I cried for hours when you explained yourself and then threw the box at me. You were so angry with me thinking you would cheat."

Yuta laughs, the look on the younger's face three years ago when he threw the box with the rings in it still makes his heart swell, thinking he could have lost Jaehyun forever. And now he does nothing to stop him from leaving. His body feels numb but on the inside, he feels like he is burning, and yet, he will let Jaehyun go.

"And two years ago? After the accident, you wanted to break up with me because you said you were a failure, that I deserved better."

"I still think that." Yuta mutters so softly that he is sure Jaehyun hasn’t listened.

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere. I stayed with you and showed you there were other ways to keep going. But I guess it wasn’t enough.” Jaehyun smiles bitterly, he feels like at some point he wasn’t able to help Yuta, no matter how hard he tried. 

Yuta grabs Jaehyun’s shirt with both hands, desperately wanting an answer. An answer that apparently he will have to look on his own. “Why are you leaving me now? Why won’t you stay and help me figure things out?”

“Because I’m tired.” Jaehyun shrugs, his voice comes out raspy. “My point with all of that was to make you see that we went through a lot and always found the way to keep going and do what was best to keep our relationship healthy; we grew up together and shaped our lives around each other. It’s all we knew, all we wanted and worked for.” He threads his fingers on the back of Yuta’s hair and massages his scalp softly. “But I feel like you don’t want that anymore, and I’m tired of begging for kisses and hugs. Don’t you think I notice your forced kisses? I do notice.”

Yuta can’t even deny what Jaehyun says.

“When was the last time we made love?” The younger asks.

“Last week-“

“No, Yuta, I’m talking about love, not sex.” Jaehyun frowns. “I’m talking about the last time you gave yourself entirely to me; the way you used to touch me with such passion that it burned my skin. I don’t- I don’t feel that now, because you don’t feel it.” He says with an accusatory tone.

Yuta breathes out shakily, whimpering as he tries to find a way to explain his feelings, but how can he explain it if he doesn’t even know the answer himself? He comes with nothing because sincerity it’s that one thing they always had. Yuta rathers let Jaehyun go than say lies to him. 

“I just- I can’t do this anymore, it’s not what I deserve from you.“

“I tried, Jaehyun, but my mind is everywhere.” Yuta shakes his head. “I don’t know how to keep going with my life.”

“I know, Yuta, I know.” Jaehyun kisses Yuta’s forehead. “That’s why I’m leaving, because you need room to breathe, time to think about what you want. I can’t feel for the both of us anymore, I’m hurting too.”

“But I love you.”

Jaehyun pulls away abruptly, Yuta’s words always disarm him, make him weak and vulnerable, and he can’t have that. He grabs Yuta’s hands. “Maybe someday in the future, you’ll realize I’m still enough, or not. Maybe this is it, we gave all we had and it’s the end of it, or not.” Jaehyun begins to slide Yuta’s ring off without little resistance from the other. “Maybe you’ll find your way back to me. Until then, I’ll hold onto it just in case.” He smiles and lifts the ring to his lips, kissing it before putting it in his pocket.

“Jaehyunnie, please.”

“Take care of yourself.” Jaehyun leans down and presses a kiss on the corner of Yuta’s mouth. 

“Jae-“

Yuta reaches out to Jaehyun, but the other just collects his stuff in a hurry, wanting to leave as soon as possible, knowing a look into Yuta’s eyes will be enough to make him stay.

Jaehyun sits on his car, leaning against the steering wheel. He cries and cries, feeling already miserable after leaving Yuta. He wonders what would happen if he goes back inside the house and begs Yuta to try again, promise that they can fix everything together. But if Yuta would have wanted that too, then he would be here stopping Jaehyun from leaving, and Yuta is nowhere to be seen. That’s when Jaehyun realizes he is making the right decision for both of them. Give Yuta time to think it’s what he has to do, and maybe, just maybe, he will come back to Jaehyun one day.

Jaehyun takes Yuta’s ring out of his pocket and traces it with his finger, hiccupping at the sight of their names engraved on the inside joined by a heart, followed by the date Yuta asked Jaehyun to be his boyfriend. He then unclasps his necklace, a present from Yuta, takes the charm off and puts Yuta’s ring along with his own before putting it back around his neck.

“Please come back to me.” Jaehyun whispers, looking at the window of their room.

Jaehyun lets out a long, shaky sigh and starts driving without looking back and knowing he is doing what’s best for everyone, even though his chest aches at the complete emptiness he feels.

**Author's Note:**

> What was I thinking writing this?
> 
> Well... should I make a sequel? 
> 
> Also, thank you for taking the time to read, I really appreciate it <3


End file.
